153 Million MINUS ONE!!!!

"Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land." Proverbs 25:25


When we started this adoption journey, people who had walked this road before us told us that adoption was not for the faint of heart. We did the "smile and nod" routine....you know that one, right? We knew that it would not be easy. We knew that it would likely be a long process. We knew that adopting children from hard places was going to be tough and parenting would become even more difficult and look completely different than our methods of parenting our bio kids. It's like all of our focus was on bringing our daughter home and the process that came after we saw her face! We honestly never gave much thought as to how we would get to that point. Our view was so narrow! HOW could we just overlook the most important part of this process?! I had some crazy idea that we would get "the call" from our agency that they had found our daughter. The daughter that God chose as the perfect fit for our family. The missing piece that would make it whole. It was the idea of this  completely ridiculous fairytale of a story. How ignorant was that?! It has turned out to be the most gut wrenching thing we've ever done.


In many other countries, healthy children are available for international adoption. There is a wait years long for those countries for healthy children. Those families wait, but when they see that face, no one has to say no. No one has to endure that heartbreak. Those children are healthy. India is unique in that respect. India is only open internationally for special needs adoptions. That is the very reason we chose India, to love a child who others said no to. In 2013 thousands of children came to the US from China through adoption. Only 119 came to the US from India!! So, we knew we would be adopting a child with a special need. We tried to prepare ourselves for the possibility that we may have to say no.


I've said before that this has been a journey of faith and I think that has proven true now more than ever. When we first started back in February, our special needs list was very very short. We were not open to that many special needs. Then, our hearts started to soften little by little as the time went on. Slowly, that list grew and we opened up to needs like missing limbs, major heart conditions, deformities, clefts, and others. Another adoptive mom recently told me that during her process, it was like God was just asking her to trust Him. I think that's exactly what God wanted us to do...to just trust. Did we trust Him enough to open up to all of those special needs? Did we trust that He wouldn't give us more than we could handle? Did we trust Him enough to obey and step out of the boat and onto the water? Did we trust that we wouldn't sink? In the end, that answer was yes! It's a tough thing to give all of that up especially when you're like me and love to think that you have all of the answers.


On Friday, Dec. 5th, I dropped Gray off at preschool for an extra day so I could go be with Reese at a school event. I was at a point after the devastating loss of our last referral, that I just couldn't pull the weight anymore. I was tired of carrying around such a heavy heart all the time. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I just gave it all to God. I literally had an out loud conversation with Him. I was over it! It was His and I just needed to TRUST. So, I did. I'll tell you, it was like the weight actually lifted. I was free and completely at His will. I had a great time with Reese at her school event.

That afternoon, after picking Reese up from school, I was in our living room and my phone rang in the kitchen. I thought to myself, "I bet that's Pat." I don't know why....I just felt it. Sure enough! It was Pat, our caseworker!!


That phone call marked the beginning of our journey to our daughter. The daughter who will one day sleep under our roof and make our family complete. She told me that she had great news for us. She had actually gone ahead and matched us with a little girl who had just come available for adoption. She told me she is 18 months old, with a cleft lip and cleft palate. Other than that (which is nothing), she is absolutely perfect, healthy, and beyond beautiful. This is where God starts leaving those little clues that it's His work.....Pat tells me where she is. She is actually in an orphanage that has a Facebook page!!! There are a few who have Facebook pages which I look at ALL the time. So, Pat sends me her file and her photo. I recognized her!!! I had seen her before!!! Her picture is on the orphanage's Facebook page, and get this.....I commented on her photo back in August about how beautiful she was! She has huge black eyes and some wild curly hair. So so cute! I knew it right then. She was ours. Our daughter. Forever. So then, our next gigantic hurdle was getting approval from India of the match. Would they consider us a good family for her? Since she is only 2 months younger than Gray, they consider that "artificial twinning," so we were so worried that they may deny us on account of that. Yesterday afternoon (Dec. 12th) as I was sitting in carline to pick up Reese, Pat calls. They had approved our match! Praise God! They approved and now we begin the journey to our daughter. OURS!!!! How crazy awesome is that?!


There are so many things that happen in this world that we will just never understand  until we're kneeling at the feet of Jesus. So much suffering and evil in the world that just make us ask WHY?. I was angry and crushed about the situation with K. Angry that she wouldn't live to know the love of a family....but she WILL know. Maybe not in her earthly life, but most definitely in her eternal life. I think this whole process and path to this point...to our daughter,  was to teach us to trust. We opened up to so many more special needs and our hearts grew softer and more compassionate and open throughout all of this....the waiting, the tears, the loss....all to bring us to this. We trusted enough to open ourselves, our home, our hearts and God gives us the most amazing gift. A perfect daughter who will come home and be able to run and play, to live a completely normal life....no heart surgeries, no prosthetics, no frequent doctors visits. We accepted K knowing that she needed heart surgery, knowing that she needed orthopedic treatment, knowing that she had a long road ahead. We trusted that God would provide and we wanted to bring her home and love her as our own. What we didn't know was that she would be taken from us. She was never really ours. It just wasn't in God's plan. I believe that God sent her to us to see if we would trust Him. Would we say no to her out of fear, or would we trust that He would provide? We chose to trust.


So, now we embark on another leg of our trip. The long road of paperwork, court, and all that's in between, to bring our baby home forever. This Christmas, our gift was seeing her face for the first time and knowing that she is ours...she's a Valas (or will be very soon). Next Christmas, I'm praying she'll be opening presents on Christmas morning with her brother and sister at her side. This is it! It is official! It feels incredible to be able to say that. We are so blessed in so many ways. Thank you to our friends and family for loving us and supporting us. Thanks especially to my tribe (you know who you are) for putting up with me and my craziness. I love you! I love you! I love you! I can't wait to set out on the road that will lead us to our daughter. I'm lacing up my running shoes, folks! Love to you all!

Thanks for traveling with us!


Abby

Love and Loss

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west… Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth.” – Isaiah 43:5-6

This is just one of the many scriptures that I have drawn some strength and comfort from over the last week. As I look back over this month, I laugh (through tears) because I thought it was the worst of our adoption journey.....that was until last week. In my last post, I told you of the referral of our sweet and perfect daughter. We have fallen completely in love with her. We have already imagined the rest of our lives loving her. We knew she had a serious heart condition, and we knew she needed multiple surgeries. We were prepared for that and all that was to come with it. We would do whatever we needed to do for her to make her healthy and give her a full and happy life. 

Last week, we learned that her heart condition is much worse than we thought. Even with surgery, it is unlikely that she will live a full life. Her condition is too far gone at this point and her only hope would be a heart and lung transplant, which the doctor here said is not always successful, if she even lived long enough to receive one. Going into this adoption process we knew it would be tough. We knew it would be long. We also knew there were precious special children half a world away who need loving families. We were prepared for all the bumps in the road. We were prepared for the long wait, for the frustration of things not moving fast enough. We were NOT prepared for this. We were NOT prepared to fall in love with a child only to find out she is dying. I have never had a miscarriage, so I do not in any way claim to know how that must feel, but if it's anything like this, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Matt and I had an impossible decision to make. We discussed and considered bringing her home, loving her, and letting her live out the rest of her life with us. We also considered the impact that would have on Reese and Gray. Could we let them watch their sister die? The answer to that question was no. That would crush them and be a such a painful loss for them to experience at such a young age. I think things would be different if we didn't have them to consider too. So after much prayer we have decided to let K go. It makes me sick to think about it, but we feel like it is the best decision for our family and the right one to make. 

This whole process has been such a journey of faith for us. We have leaned on the Lord more than ever and have grown so much in our faith throughout all of this. With that said, after this loss, I have been angry. Why did God do this to her? Why has He done this to us? I know that God has a plan for us and I know that all of this is shaping us and her for something else, something greater. All of that known in my mind, my heart just can't understand. It's completely broken. It's so hard to trust right now. I will see her face every single day for the rest of my life. One of my sweet friends told me something that comforted me today. She will be in the arms of Jesus soon and we will get to meet her and hold her someday. We will be unmatched pretty soon and she will be available for adoption again. I pray that another family adopts her. I know those chances are slim, but I pray that she knows what the love of a family feels like before she's called from her earthly home. 

We have not told Reese yet. It kills us to hear her talk about her little sister knowing that she will never come home to us. We cannot tell her the truth. Reese cried when we told her that K needed heart surgery, so this would completely crush her. We will think of something to tell her. 

After this happened last week, I promised myself and Matt that we would keep all news to ourselves until it was all FINAL! After thinking and praying about that more, we've decided that it's not fair. When I started this blog, it was to document our journey and to tell the complete, wonderful, scary, beautiful, ugly, insanely tough story of adoption and what it really looks like. No sugar coating. No happily ever after. The real, honest, raw truth. Well, this is it. I talked about feeling stripped in a previous post. Matt and I feel so completely raw right now. I pray that we can start to rebuild now. I pray that the next referral we get will be the daughter that God has chosen for us. He is setting us up for something. He is opening our hearts more and more. He has opened us to more special needs. I know there is a plan behind all of it. Please pray for us. Please pray for wisdom and peace for us. Pray for a family for K. It's crazy how such joy can turn to such pain in a matter of seconds. We are slowly moving past this and are optimistically looking toward the future. My mom has been our rock through all of this. She helps give us the reassurance that we need that we are making the right decision. Our case worker, Pat, has also held us up through this decision, prayed for us and for K, and she has given us reassurance that we are making the right decision. 

So, through all of this, at the close of Thanksgiving, we are praising God and thankful for the blessings that He has given us. We are thankful for our amazing family who has supported us completely, for our friends and community who encourage us, and for our adoption agency and our caseworker, Pat. She's amazing woman of God who has worked tirelessly advocating for orphans the majority of her life. She will one day bring our baby to us. Through all the sad days, we still have so much to be thankful for! 

Thank you all for supporting us and for you kind words. Right now, we really need your prayers and thoughts. K needs them too. I'm hoping to have good news to share very soon, but it will be in His perfect timing. 

Love.