Ups and Downs

I have debated whether or not to share this, but after a few days of healing and thinking, I realized that it's only fair. The only reason I would hold it close is because of the fear of what others may think of us. There goes that fear again.
Last week, our case worker called me and said the words that I have longed to hear...."let me tell you about a little girl." Oh how sweet those words were! She just turned 3 years old in July and she has a spinal issue is what we learned about her at first. We were bursting with excitement and dreaming of the possibilities that may lie ahead! Later that day, I got her file. My hands were shaking as I opened it. I was on the phone with Pat, our case worker, when I opened it and saw her face for the first time. She is beyond beautiful and the crazy thing is...she looks just like Gray! She has the most captivating black eyes and is just breathtaking. I didn't read her file for a while. I honestly couldn't get past that beautiful girl in the photo. I can't share her name, so we'll call her J. Matt was completely over the moon too and said he didn't want to look at her medical reports either. Both of us scared to find something...anything that may tear us away from her.
To just get to the thick of it, she has the most severe form of spina bifida (myelomeningocele with tethered cord). The miraculous part is that she can walk and even climb stairs! Most children born with this cannot walk at all. She had corrective surgery earlier this year and is doing great....for now. Also, about 90% of children with this type of SB also develop hydrocephalus (swelling and excess water in the brain), which is very serious. After reading all of this, doing endless research, and ending up more and more confused, we needed answers from someone who knew what they were looking at.

A sweet friend from high school, whom I regularly keep up with on Facebook had the good sense to marry a Neurosurgeon! Answered prayer! (Thank you Ambre and Chip) I contacted her and her husband looked at J's file and called me back immediately. He explained her condition to me in great detail and spent the time to make sure I understood all that her future may hold. I am forever grateful for that! He was so impressive, knowledgeable, and kind.  I won't go into detail about her condition, but my fears were calmed about some parts of her prognosis (she had very little risk of hydrocephalus), but intensified by others (the unknown of her physical condition). In the end, her future medical needs were just too uncertain for us to know if our family is capable of giving her the best life and the best possible care if her condition should deteriorate. Over time, she will likely need other surgeries on her spinal cord. The damage caused could be very minor and relatively insignificant, or it could be severe and cause  paralysis and incontinence.
The unknowns were scary, but there was much more to it than just her medical condition We were not formally matched yet, so there was no guarantee that we could be matched with her or that India would even approve the match. India does not like to place children for adoption out of birth order, meaning that they want the adopted child to be the youngest in the home. The timeline on just getting that approval could prove to be a very long wait, and if they denied the match she would wait even longer for her family. There are also issues in the state where she is located which make international adoption more difficult and the timeline is known to be much much longer there. In a nutshell, everything was stacked against us pursuing her match. Matt and I struggled with it for days. We felt horrible. We felt like we had let this sweet little girl down. This precious child with her future so uncertain. But then, I realized who had her future. She's in the hands of God and He will find her place in this world, even if it's not with us.
Throughout this entire process, I have felt God's steady presence, leading us exactly where we are supposed to be. I prayed for peace about accepting the match with J. All I needed was for God to give me peace about it and that would assure me that we were doing the right thing, no matter how difficult it would be. That peace never came. Instead, I just felt beaten down, torn, and drained. I know you moms out there know that gut feeling when something just isn't right. That feeling grew in me by the day. Making the definitive decision not to pursue the match was so hard. After a long conversation on our back porch, I called our case worker, Pat, and told her not to pursue trying to make the match. She is always so gracious, understanding, and supportive. I'm thankful for that, because that phone call tore me up. After I hung up, I cried for a while, then went for a run....and cried some more. (running and crying are not a good combo!) After that, guess what came?....Peace! God gave me the peace I prayed for. He gave it to me at just the right time. That's when I knew we made the right decision.
Here we are a few days later, and I can actually look at her picture with a smile on my face now. I know that her family is out there looking for her, and I hope her wait is short. Meanwhile, our daughter is waiting on us to find her, and I know God will lead us to her in His time. I also know He will give us peace when we do find her. Until then, we wait....
Thanks for traveling with us, friends! I also just want to say that your support means more to us than you will ever know. A lot of people say to me, "I know it's not much, but....." Let me tell you something....every single kind word, smile, hug of reassurance, is HUGE! It makes a world of difference on this journey.

Love