Raw and Uncut

I'm not quite sure where begin with this post. It's been a long time since I've posted anything here because while we were moving forward in our adoption process, completion of paperwork didn't exactly seem newsworthy or exciting. The problem is that I've been a mess of emotion that has remained concealed from most people in my life. This process has already started a shift in me that I cannot explain in words. It's a shift in the depths of who I am as a person and child of God. My whole identity and the shape of my soul is being molded into something new, something so much bigger than me. I started this blog so that our friends and family could travel this journey with us, and that includes every milestone, big or small, every raw emotion and fearful thought, and every boring update. Only then will you truly walk this journey with us and see it through our eyes. Thank you for traveling with us.

So I guess I'll just begin with the facts....the practical updates. Our home study is complete! Everything will go to India in a matter of a couple of weeks and we will be registered with the Central Adoption Resource Authority in India. At that point, we will be waiting on a referral! I laugh here because when I type that out, it all looks so simple...so straightforward, when in reality it's anything but!

All the other "stuff"

FEAR
Fear is satan's weapon. Fear is just another one of his lies. My most dominant fear is inadequacy. Now that we will soon be waiting on a referral, I'm terrified that we will have to refuse a referral. This happens all the time and is encouraged if you feel the special need is more than you can care for. If you didn't already know, we are in the process for a special needs adoption, so our daughter will be special needs of some sort. Fear of the unknown is the worst kind of fear. What if we get a referral and I see her face and then learn that her needs are more than we can provide for? Can we endure that heartbreak? That is such a selfish thought though, because that precious child needs a family...a mother and father...and we are inadequate to care for her. So she waits....she waits longer for a place to call home....because we are inadequate. There are families that we know who have refused 3 referrals before accepting one. They have all said that when you see your child's face, you just know. You know that that child is the child God chose for you before creation. She is yours and you are hers. I pray that is true.

STRIPPED
There is beauty under the ugliness, and peace after the pain. This process is stripping me...layer by layer, it is stripping me down to nothing but what I truly am. I'm not even sure what that is yet. The thought process of adoption has confronted me with emotions, thoughts, and impossible decisions that I would have not have faced otherwise. I am certain that I am nowhere near the core of my being just yet. My stripping has just begun. We have only been in this process a very short time, but the layers are beginning to come off. It's a vulnerable feeling. Those layers are ugly. They reveal to me (and everyone else) my faults, my failures, my shortcomings, my fears, the hate in my heart toward those I need to forgive, and all the other untruths I've told myself. All of it falls away and I am able to see it. It's painful to see all of that ugliness at my feet. The beauty will come with the new growth that comes from going through this process and this journey...the reconstruction. The peace will come as a result of that reconstruction. When we made the decision to adopt, I never dreamed that it would lead us through all of this, or that it would teach me SO much about myself, who I was before, who I am now, and what I am to become.... and about our Lord's grand plan (no clue what that is, by the way).

 I'll try not to let so much time pass before posting again. I just have not thought that my words, thoughts, and feelings were worthy of sharing since they didn't accompany news, but I will try not to hold back going forward. Until next time....LOVE.