"I'm a pout pout fish..."

Waiting. It's never really been my forte. I'm more of a "I know what I want. I want it now. I will do whatever it takes to get it." kind of girl. I'm a doer. It has been one month and 19 days since we first saw our daughter's face. For those of you who haven't seen her yet, let me just tell you, she's beautifully perfect! After we were matched with her, CARA approved our match in only 7 days, and we immediately signed and mailed all of our paperwork to accept her and her special need. Well, as it would turn out, cleft lip/cleft palate was NOT originally on our home study approved by the state or USCIS. Sooooo, we need an addendum. Yay! Super pumped about that extra $360 just to change two words on a piece of paper. Our agency is pretty awesome and got the updated home study completed and in the mail on Dec. 19th to the Alabama State Office of Adoption. 

So, at present it's been over a month!!!! A MONTH people! My eye is twitching as I type this. Our agency emailed us today to tell us that they still have not received our approval letter from the state and we cannot send off to USCIS until we have it! I'm then told that the woman over the letters M-Z is well known for taking a LONG time to get things done and that she's probably even more behind with the holidays just behind us. Really?! (eye twitch) Does this woman not realize that every single day she lolly gags around is one more day that our daughter goes without a family? One more night that my baby halfway around the world goes to sleep alone without a kiss from her mother? Days that I will never get back. Days that are gone forever! She has single handedly taken over a month away from us! It makes me fume to think of her sitting there with the power to send just one piece of paper to help bring my daughter home......but she doesn't do it! Our agency is going to call her tomorrow and tell her we need it now. And who knows how long it will take for USCIS to approve after that. I know..."It's in God's hands and all will come in His perfect timing"....blah blah blah. I may need to give it up, but I'm feeling some kind of stubborn right now. In recent days, I've been like the fish in one of Reese's books..." I'm a pout pout fish with a pout pout face and I spread the dreary wearies all over the place. Blub. Blub. Blub." Here's to hoping for some movement this week! Until then...It's my party and I'll cry if I want to! :) 

In other more exciting news...In just 7 days, Elin will see our faces! She'll know she has a Mommy, a Daddy, a big sis, and a "twin" brother all waiting for her to come home! My sweet friend, whose daughter is in the same orphanage will be flying to India in just 5 days to bring her daughter home. My heart leaps for her! She has had lots of practice in patience throughout her process, and countless unnecessary delays. But...alas...her day is upon us!  She's taking our photo book, a doll, and a blanket to Elin for us. She's also going to get photos AND videos of Elin for us! VIDEOS!!! Oh! The anticipation is killing me! Remember? Not so good at this wondrous trait they call patience. Nope. Don't have it. 

So, if our little family happens to cross your mind this week, please say a little prayer, send some positive energy, some good juju....whatever ya got, we'll take it! We need to get this step out of the way because this is just the tip of the iceberg. This is supposed to be the easy part. Moving into the Indian court system will be a whole other level of patience exercises for this girl! (eye twitch). Break out the wine and settle in. 

Thanks for traveling with us! 

Love, 

Abby

All Things New

Tonight is just one of those nights...you know...the nights when you lay in bed desperate to fall asleep. You watch the clock as the hours tick by and cringing with every passing hour because you know that a little person will be bouncing into your room bright and early wanting breakfast? NOW! I tried to go to bed early tonight, and laid there with a million things swirling around in my mind. It goes a little something like this...

Do we have eggs in the downstairs refrigerator?  I need to get something for Olivia (my friend who is picking up her daughter and taking a package to S for me). Maybe I'll get a picture frame. I really need to clean out the fridge tomorrow. That questionable smell is getting worse. Yes! I will get a picture frame and have something brilliant engraved on it. I really need to get Gray some more toaster scrambles since he won't eat anything else. Gotta wash the sheets downstairs for my parents coming tomorrow. What clever caption should I put on Olivia's picture frame? I've got it!! (not gonna tell because what if she reads this!:) ) 

So, you get the idea. One of those nights where you try to clear your head, but you just can't do it. So, here I am...up, talking to you. 

First and foremost, we have a name! Praise God! We have a name! In case you didn't know, Matt is the absolute worst at choosing names. I come up with a list of names that are acceptable. He comes up with none. He likes none of mine. When asked what he does like, he says, "I don't know. When you say the right name, I'll let you know." Oh, help me! I'm shocked that we've named a dog and two kids already! When I was pregnant with Gray, I forced him to make a list of names. Of course, he makes a total joke of it coming up with names like Vlad. He made his list on a Publix grocery list sheet that had all of the sections marked. You know...dairy, produce, canned goods, etc. Well...meat was also on there and fell right in the middle of his list of names, so he counted Meat as one of his names. So, Gray was referred to as Meat for most of my pregnancy. Nice, huh? Glad that one didn't stick. I'm not sure which is worse...Meat or Vlad? I do, however, absolutely love our sweet daughter's name. She will be Elin Sumithra Valas. This will be Elin's last New Year without a family. 

Many of my sleepless nights, just like this one, have been spent reflecting on my year in 2014 and I have really just now realized what a pivotal year it has been. I'm a different person. I truly believe that this experience has made me a different person entirely. Not necessarily the adoption piece of it, but becoming so much more aware of the needs around me...around all of us. Things that are actually important. Things that really matter. Have you ever thought about the fact that we bathe in drinking water? Drinking water, people! We bathe in the stuff while people in India and other developing countries die daily because they don't have access to clean drinking water. I have this awesome thing in my kitchen where I can put food and it keeps it cold and fresh! It's like magic! Really. It is. And if one day I find that there's nothing in this magical box, I just hop into my personal mode of transportation and drive down to the massive warehouse of food and stock up on what I need. We truly do not realize how fortunate we all are. It's these things that I think about. It's thinking about Elin half a world away and wondering if someone holds her when she cries or comforts her when she's scared. Is she getting enough to eat? Does she have clean clothes to wear? A comfortable bed to sleep in? What about the child in the crib next to her with a much more severe special need? Will she be adopted or will she be left in her orphanage until she ages out and then put onto the streets? There are 153 million just like her...who need families. It's such a far cry from the things that used to consume my life. I have purpose now. Real purpose. An important purpose. Even if it's just one child, it's one less. And I will spend the rest of my life advocating for these children. 

Before, I strived for perfection. Always. Well...the appearance of perfection. I was the mom who totally had it all together (even if I didn't), who took on way more than I should have just to please others, who sometimes even set aside my own family to keep up that appearance that I could do it all. I was the mom who shoved all our junk in the living room off to the side, just out of the frame of the photo I was going to post online. Yep! I had the spotless house even if I didn't. Don't judge...I know you've done it too! :) For some reason, I needed that validation from the outside that I was a great mom and wife, and had all of my ducks in a perfect row all the time. What I failed to see is what that looked like from the inside out. All of that energy that I've always put into trying to appear perfect has now been channeled into things that really matter. My family matters. I matter. My kids matter. My sweet Indian princess of a daughter matters (I pity the person who thought she didn't)! She may come from an orphanage, but she's never been an orphan. It just took a little while longer for her to find her family.  

So, now here we are in 2015. This, my friends, is going to me an amazing year! 2015 is the year! This year we will travel to India to bring her home. Our first day of forever will happen this year! It's getting a little more real now and a whole lot more scary. I'll be honest, there have been moments when I've thought, "what are we doing?!" Those moments are fleeting and I know are just satan trying to use doubt and fear to try to steal my joy. I honestly thought the same thing when I got pregnant with Gray! What are we doing?! Two kids?! Now, there's a chance that this adoption won't be our last. During one of those doubtful moments, Matt said something to me that has stuck with me.  I asked him if we were doing the right thing by adopting. He said, "How could it ever be the wrong thing?" It's opened our eyes. 

We have been so humbled and overwhelmed by all of the love and support that our community and most of our family and friends have shown us. My sweet mom has been the strong woman she always is and has guided me through some of my darkest days. I was unsure in the beginning how my mom would feel about us adopting. Her opinion matters to me and she couldn't be happier for us or more excited to have another grandchild. It saddens me, but not everyone is so supportive and that has been weighing very heavily on me. Please pray for them. That they will see what we see, understand why we choose adoption, and love Elin like we do. I know that adoption is not for everybody. I know that sometimes it's hard to understand why people choose the things they do. It's not about understanding, though. It's about love and supporting those you love. I hope that we can all go into the New Year with a new perspective, open minds, and open hearts. 

2015! This is the year! Thanks for traveling with us! 

Love, 

Abby

153 Million MINUS ONE!!!!

"Like cold water to a weary soul is good news from a distant land." Proverbs 25:25


When we started this adoption journey, people who had walked this road before us told us that adoption was not for the faint of heart. We did the "smile and nod" routine....you know that one, right? We knew that it would not be easy. We knew that it would likely be a long process. We knew that adopting children from hard places was going to be tough and parenting would become even more difficult and look completely different than our methods of parenting our bio kids. It's like all of our focus was on bringing our daughter home and the process that came after we saw her face! We honestly never gave much thought as to how we would get to that point. Our view was so narrow! HOW could we just overlook the most important part of this process?! I had some crazy idea that we would get "the call" from our agency that they had found our daughter. The daughter that God chose as the perfect fit for our family. The missing piece that would make it whole. It was the idea of this  completely ridiculous fairytale of a story. How ignorant was that?! It has turned out to be the most gut wrenching thing we've ever done.


In many other countries, healthy children are available for international adoption. There is a wait years long for those countries for healthy children. Those families wait, but when they see that face, no one has to say no. No one has to endure that heartbreak. Those children are healthy. India is unique in that respect. India is only open internationally for special needs adoptions. That is the very reason we chose India, to love a child who others said no to. In 2013 thousands of children came to the US from China through adoption. Only 119 came to the US from India!! So, we knew we would be adopting a child with a special need. We tried to prepare ourselves for the possibility that we may have to say no.


I've said before that this has been a journey of faith and I think that has proven true now more than ever. When we first started back in February, our special needs list was very very short. We were not open to that many special needs. Then, our hearts started to soften little by little as the time went on. Slowly, that list grew and we opened up to needs like missing limbs, major heart conditions, deformities, clefts, and others. Another adoptive mom recently told me that during her process, it was like God was just asking her to trust Him. I think that's exactly what God wanted us to do...to just trust. Did we trust Him enough to open up to all of those special needs? Did we trust that He wouldn't give us more than we could handle? Did we trust Him enough to obey and step out of the boat and onto the water? Did we trust that we wouldn't sink? In the end, that answer was yes! It's a tough thing to give all of that up especially when you're like me and love to think that you have all of the answers.


On Friday, Dec. 5th, I dropped Gray off at preschool for an extra day so I could go be with Reese at a school event. I was at a point after the devastating loss of our last referral, that I just couldn't pull the weight anymore. I was tired of carrying around such a heavy heart all the time. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I just gave it all to God. I literally had an out loud conversation with Him. I was over it! It was His and I just needed to TRUST. So, I did. I'll tell you, it was like the weight actually lifted. I was free and completely at His will. I had a great time with Reese at her school event.

That afternoon, after picking Reese up from school, I was in our living room and my phone rang in the kitchen. I thought to myself, "I bet that's Pat." I don't know why....I just felt it. Sure enough! It was Pat, our caseworker!!


That phone call marked the beginning of our journey to our daughter. The daughter who will one day sleep under our roof and make our family complete. She told me that she had great news for us. She had actually gone ahead and matched us with a little girl who had just come available for adoption. She told me she is 18 months old, with a cleft lip and cleft palate. Other than that (which is nothing), she is absolutely perfect, healthy, and beyond beautiful. This is where God starts leaving those little clues that it's His work.....Pat tells me where she is. She is actually in an orphanage that has a Facebook page!!! There are a few who have Facebook pages which I look at ALL the time. So, Pat sends me her file and her photo. I recognized her!!! I had seen her before!!! Her picture is on the orphanage's Facebook page, and get this.....I commented on her photo back in August about how beautiful she was! She has huge black eyes and some wild curly hair. So so cute! I knew it right then. She was ours. Our daughter. Forever. So then, our next gigantic hurdle was getting approval from India of the match. Would they consider us a good family for her? Since she is only 2 months younger than Gray, they consider that "artificial twinning," so we were so worried that they may deny us on account of that. Yesterday afternoon (Dec. 12th) as I was sitting in carline to pick up Reese, Pat calls. They had approved our match! Praise God! They approved and now we begin the journey to our daughter. OURS!!!! How crazy awesome is that?!


There are so many things that happen in this world that we will just never understand  until we're kneeling at the feet of Jesus. So much suffering and evil in the world that just make us ask WHY?. I was angry and crushed about the situation with K. Angry that she wouldn't live to know the love of a family....but she WILL know. Maybe not in her earthly life, but most definitely in her eternal life. I think this whole process and path to this point...to our daughter,  was to teach us to trust. We opened up to so many more special needs and our hearts grew softer and more compassionate and open throughout all of this....the waiting, the tears, the loss....all to bring us to this. We trusted enough to open ourselves, our home, our hearts and God gives us the most amazing gift. A perfect daughter who will come home and be able to run and play, to live a completely normal life....no heart surgeries, no prosthetics, no frequent doctors visits. We accepted K knowing that she needed heart surgery, knowing that she needed orthopedic treatment, knowing that she had a long road ahead. We trusted that God would provide and we wanted to bring her home and love her as our own. What we didn't know was that she would be taken from us. She was never really ours. It just wasn't in God's plan. I believe that God sent her to us to see if we would trust Him. Would we say no to her out of fear, or would we trust that He would provide? We chose to trust.


So, now we embark on another leg of our trip. The long road of paperwork, court, and all that's in between, to bring our baby home forever. This Christmas, our gift was seeing her face for the first time and knowing that she is ours...she's a Valas (or will be very soon). Next Christmas, I'm praying she'll be opening presents on Christmas morning with her brother and sister at her side. This is it! It is official! It feels incredible to be able to say that. We are so blessed in so many ways. Thank you to our friends and family for loving us and supporting us. Thanks especially to my tribe (you know who you are) for putting up with me and my craziness. I love you! I love you! I love you! I can't wait to set out on the road that will lead us to our daughter. I'm lacing up my running shoes, folks! Love to you all!

Thanks for traveling with us!


Abby

Love and Loss

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west… Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth.” – Isaiah 43:5-6

This is just one of the many scriptures that I have drawn some strength and comfort from over the last week. As I look back over this month, I laugh (through tears) because I thought it was the worst of our adoption journey.....that was until last week. In my last post, I told you of the referral of our sweet and perfect daughter. We have fallen completely in love with her. We have already imagined the rest of our lives loving her. We knew she had a serious heart condition, and we knew she needed multiple surgeries. We were prepared for that and all that was to come with it. We would do whatever we needed to do for her to make her healthy and give her a full and happy life. 

Last week, we learned that her heart condition is much worse than we thought. Even with surgery, it is unlikely that she will live a full life. Her condition is too far gone at this point and her only hope would be a heart and lung transplant, which the doctor here said is not always successful, if she even lived long enough to receive one. Going into this adoption process we knew it would be tough. We knew it would be long. We also knew there were precious special children half a world away who need loving families. We were prepared for all the bumps in the road. We were prepared for the long wait, for the frustration of things not moving fast enough. We were NOT prepared for this. We were NOT prepared to fall in love with a child only to find out she is dying. I have never had a miscarriage, so I do not in any way claim to know how that must feel, but if it's anything like this, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

Matt and I had an impossible decision to make. We discussed and considered bringing her home, loving her, and letting her live out the rest of her life with us. We also considered the impact that would have on Reese and Gray. Could we let them watch their sister die? The answer to that question was no. That would crush them and be a such a painful loss for them to experience at such a young age. I think things would be different if we didn't have them to consider too. So after much prayer we have decided to let K go. It makes me sick to think about it, but we feel like it is the best decision for our family and the right one to make. 

This whole process has been such a journey of faith for us. We have leaned on the Lord more than ever and have grown so much in our faith throughout all of this. With that said, after this loss, I have been angry. Why did God do this to her? Why has He done this to us? I know that God has a plan for us and I know that all of this is shaping us and her for something else, something greater. All of that known in my mind, my heart just can't understand. It's completely broken. It's so hard to trust right now. I will see her face every single day for the rest of my life. One of my sweet friends told me something that comforted me today. She will be in the arms of Jesus soon and we will get to meet her and hold her someday. We will be unmatched pretty soon and she will be available for adoption again. I pray that another family adopts her. I know those chances are slim, but I pray that she knows what the love of a family feels like before she's called from her earthly home. 

We have not told Reese yet. It kills us to hear her talk about her little sister knowing that she will never come home to us. We cannot tell her the truth. Reese cried when we told her that K needed heart surgery, so this would completely crush her. We will think of something to tell her. 

After this happened last week, I promised myself and Matt that we would keep all news to ourselves until it was all FINAL! After thinking and praying about that more, we've decided that it's not fair. When I started this blog, it was to document our journey and to tell the complete, wonderful, scary, beautiful, ugly, insanely tough story of adoption and what it really looks like. No sugar coating. No happily ever after. The real, honest, raw truth. Well, this is it. I talked about feeling stripped in a previous post. Matt and I feel so completely raw right now. I pray that we can start to rebuild now. I pray that the next referral we get will be the daughter that God has chosen for us. He is setting us up for something. He is opening our hearts more and more. He has opened us to more special needs. I know there is a plan behind all of it. Please pray for us. Please pray for wisdom and peace for us. Pray for a family for K. It's crazy how such joy can turn to such pain in a matter of seconds. We are slowly moving past this and are optimistically looking toward the future. My mom has been our rock through all of this. She helps give us the reassurance that we need that we are making the right decision. Our case worker, Pat, has also held us up through this decision, prayed for us and for K, and she has given us reassurance that we are making the right decision. 

So, through all of this, at the close of Thanksgiving, we are praising God and thankful for the blessings that He has given us. We are thankful for our amazing family who has supported us completely, for our friends and community who encourage us, and for our adoption agency and our caseworker, Pat. She's amazing woman of God who has worked tirelessly advocating for orphans the majority of her life. She will one day bring our baby to us. Through all the sad days, we still have so much to be thankful for! 

Thank you all for supporting us and for you kind words. Right now, we really need your prayers and thoughts. K needs them too. I'm hoping to have good news to share very soon, but it will be in His perfect timing. 

Love. 

Party of 5?!?!

It has been three long months since we decided not to pursue the match with J. Three very tough months of questioning ourselves, second guessing our decision, and just feeling like we were never going to see the end of this journey. Friday, Nov. 14th was the worst day I've had throughout this whole process. Matt had been gone for the week and I was just tired and sad. Friday always means two whole days without any possibilities. I sat on my couch with a pile of laundry in front of me in the middle of our messy house and just cried and prayed. You know...that seriously ugly cry that requires tissues for more than just your eyes? Oh, yes! I needed answers. I needed God to tell us exactly what to do. I prayed so hard for a clear answer from Him. Nothing vague....I mean like a big ole slap in the face and kick in the rear telling us what to do. Matt and I were at a point where we were thinking of stepping back and taking a break from the process for a little while. I prayed for movement for us, for our daughter to come to us SOON! I had peace after that. I knew He would provide answers.

Monday came and we were preparing for our yard sale that we had this past weekend (huge success, by the way). Matt came running downstairs with my phone in his hand talking to Pat, our caseworker. She wanted to tell us about a sweet little girl who just turned three this month. As Pat was telling us about her, before we ever saw her file, her special needs, her picture...we knew she was ours. God had answered. K has a serious heart condition which will require multiple surgeries when she comes home. She also has slight differences in her hands and one of her little legs. She is absolutely perfect! She is beautiful and she is OURS! The crazy thing is...her needs are actually more significant than J's were. When we saw her face, it didn't matter what she needed. We would do whatever we needed to for her. Everyone was absolutely right. When it's your daughter, you'll just know...and we do.

So now, the long long journey begins to get our baby home. First, CARA still has to approve our match. There is a chance they could say no to our match with K. We pray that doesn't happen and our caseworker is very optimistic, but nothing is ever guaranteed in India. K's adoption will also have to be processed through an Indian state that is moving very very slowly with adoptions right now. K needs surgery as soon as possible, so we're hoping for an expedited process so she can get the medical care she needs. It's unlikely that they will do that, but it's always worth a try.

Many of our family and friends have asked us how they can help. We're now at a point in our process where we need our friends and family more than ever! We wanted to wait until we had a referral to really start fundraising and enlisting the help of our friends, family, and community. Now, we have a beautiful little soul who needs to come home.

We have been so blessed by a wonderful non profit here in Birmingham, The Grace Klein Community! For our yard sale fundraiser, they provided a massive 20 foot trailer full of donations for us to sell to help raise money. We are now partnering with them to raise funds in another way.

Here is a little excerpt from The Grace Klein Community on how you can give "the gift of giving" this holiday season in the form of a tribute donation.

For every purpose and occasion, sharing is the perfect gift. A tribute  donation is a meaningful way to honor someone special in your life. Please consider using our “Giving the Gift of Community” certificates to make a tax deductible donation in lieu of material gifts in honor of a family member, a friend, a colleague or a client. It’s a unique and thoughtful way to honor someone this Christmas.

 If you would be interested in donating in honor of someone special or just for you, you may follow the link below and click the "donate" button under "Adoption Support." If you donate, please be sure to put our name in the memo section  when you make your donation to ensure that it will go toward our adoption fund. Grace Klein deals directly with our adoption agency and passes along all donations to them toward the expense of bringing K home.

http://gracekleincommunity.com/2013/announcement/giving-the-gift-of-community/

Thank you all so very much for all of the love and support you've shown us. If you're reading this, you're in it with us already and we love you and appreciate you every step of the way.


Okay, the following should probably be a separate post, but I don't want to get into detail (or get myself all worked up), so here goes:

On a totally separate note, I feel the need to get something off my chest and further open the lines of communication about our adoption.
We have had many questions asked of us about our adoption, especially in the recent days following our referral. Some so nice and sweet, some...not so much. Some supportive....others...well, you get the idea. If you have questions, please please ask. We will not be offended by genuine questions in the least. We want everyone to feel comfortable talking openly with us about our adoption. I have learned this past week that some people are uneducated, and others are just plain mean. (Obviously, this is a slight vent) Yes, our daughter has some obvious physical differences. Yes, we realize that she does not look like us. We are fully aware of ALL of that!! There is no need to rudely point that out or give your own opinion of those differences or to "diagnose" her. We know what her special needs are and we think she's perfect. She's ours. I have found the Momma Bear emerging a little bit in the last week. I am really hoping that this is not a glimpse of what we will have to deal with when K comes home. We want to empower her and for her to be proud. So, please just try to be sensitive with your comments. Ask yourself how you would feel if that question was asked of you, or that comment said about your child. If you'd be upset, then so will I. Whew....I sure feel better now. :) Thanks for traveling with us, friends!

Love.

Ups and Downs

I have debated whether or not to share this, but after a few days of healing and thinking, I realized that it's only fair. The only reason I would hold it close is because of the fear of what others may think of us. There goes that fear again.
Last week, our case worker called me and said the words that I have longed to hear...."let me tell you about a little girl." Oh how sweet those words were! She just turned 3 years old in July and she has a spinal issue is what we learned about her at first. We were bursting with excitement and dreaming of the possibilities that may lie ahead! Later that day, I got her file. My hands were shaking as I opened it. I was on the phone with Pat, our case worker, when I opened it and saw her face for the first time. She is beyond beautiful and the crazy thing is...she looks just like Gray! She has the most captivating black eyes and is just breathtaking. I didn't read her file for a while. I honestly couldn't get past that beautiful girl in the photo. I can't share her name, so we'll call her J. Matt was completely over the moon too and said he didn't want to look at her medical reports either. Both of us scared to find something...anything that may tear us away from her.
To just get to the thick of it, she has the most severe form of spina bifida (myelomeningocele with tethered cord). The miraculous part is that she can walk and even climb stairs! Most children born with this cannot walk at all. She had corrective surgery earlier this year and is doing great....for now. Also, about 90% of children with this type of SB also develop hydrocephalus (swelling and excess water in the brain), which is very serious. After reading all of this, doing endless research, and ending up more and more confused, we needed answers from someone who knew what they were looking at.

A sweet friend from high school, whom I regularly keep up with on Facebook had the good sense to marry a Neurosurgeon! Answered prayer! (Thank you Ambre and Chip) I contacted her and her husband looked at J's file and called me back immediately. He explained her condition to me in great detail and spent the time to make sure I understood all that her future may hold. I am forever grateful for that! He was so impressive, knowledgeable, and kind.  I won't go into detail about her condition, but my fears were calmed about some parts of her prognosis (she had very little risk of hydrocephalus), but intensified by others (the unknown of her physical condition). In the end, her future medical needs were just too uncertain for us to know if our family is capable of giving her the best life and the best possible care if her condition should deteriorate. Over time, she will likely need other surgeries on her spinal cord. The damage caused could be very minor and relatively insignificant, or it could be severe and cause  paralysis and incontinence.
The unknowns were scary, but there was much more to it than just her medical condition We were not formally matched yet, so there was no guarantee that we could be matched with her or that India would even approve the match. India does not like to place children for adoption out of birth order, meaning that they want the adopted child to be the youngest in the home. The timeline on just getting that approval could prove to be a very long wait, and if they denied the match she would wait even longer for her family. There are also issues in the state where she is located which make international adoption more difficult and the timeline is known to be much much longer there. In a nutshell, everything was stacked against us pursuing her match. Matt and I struggled with it for days. We felt horrible. We felt like we had let this sweet little girl down. This precious child with her future so uncertain. But then, I realized who had her future. She's in the hands of God and He will find her place in this world, even if it's not with us.
Throughout this entire process, I have felt God's steady presence, leading us exactly where we are supposed to be. I prayed for peace about accepting the match with J. All I needed was for God to give me peace about it and that would assure me that we were doing the right thing, no matter how difficult it would be. That peace never came. Instead, I just felt beaten down, torn, and drained. I know you moms out there know that gut feeling when something just isn't right. That feeling grew in me by the day. Making the definitive decision not to pursue the match was so hard. After a long conversation on our back porch, I called our case worker, Pat, and told her not to pursue trying to make the match. She is always so gracious, understanding, and supportive. I'm thankful for that, because that phone call tore me up. After I hung up, I cried for a while, then went for a run....and cried some more. (running and crying are not a good combo!) After that, guess what came?....Peace! God gave me the peace I prayed for. He gave it to me at just the right time. That's when I knew we made the right decision.
Here we are a few days later, and I can actually look at her picture with a smile on my face now. I know that her family is out there looking for her, and I hope her wait is short. Meanwhile, our daughter is waiting on us to find her, and I know God will lead us to her in His time. I also know He will give us peace when we do find her. Until then, we wait....
Thanks for traveling with us, friends! I also just want to say that your support means more to us than you will ever know. A lot of people say to me, "I know it's not much, but....." Let me tell you something....every single kind word, smile, hug of reassurance, is HUGE! It makes a world of difference on this journey.

Love

Raw and Uncut

I'm not quite sure where begin with this post. It's been a long time since I've posted anything here because while we were moving forward in our adoption process, completion of paperwork didn't exactly seem newsworthy or exciting. The problem is that I've been a mess of emotion that has remained concealed from most people in my life. This process has already started a shift in me that I cannot explain in words. It's a shift in the depths of who I am as a person and child of God. My whole identity and the shape of my soul is being molded into something new, something so much bigger than me. I started this blog so that our friends and family could travel this journey with us, and that includes every milestone, big or small, every raw emotion and fearful thought, and every boring update. Only then will you truly walk this journey with us and see it through our eyes. Thank you for traveling with us.

So I guess I'll just begin with the facts....the practical updates. Our home study is complete! Everything will go to India in a matter of a couple of weeks and we will be registered with the Central Adoption Resource Authority in India. At that point, we will be waiting on a referral! I laugh here because when I type that out, it all looks so simple...so straightforward, when in reality it's anything but!

All the other "stuff"

FEAR
Fear is satan's weapon. Fear is just another one of his lies. My most dominant fear is inadequacy. Now that we will soon be waiting on a referral, I'm terrified that we will have to refuse a referral. This happens all the time and is encouraged if you feel the special need is more than you can care for. If you didn't already know, we are in the process for a special needs adoption, so our daughter will be special needs of some sort. Fear of the unknown is the worst kind of fear. What if we get a referral and I see her face and then learn that her needs are more than we can provide for? Can we endure that heartbreak? That is such a selfish thought though, because that precious child needs a family...a mother and father...and we are inadequate to care for her. So she waits....she waits longer for a place to call home....because we are inadequate. There are families that we know who have refused 3 referrals before accepting one. They have all said that when you see your child's face, you just know. You know that that child is the child God chose for you before creation. She is yours and you are hers. I pray that is true.

STRIPPED
There is beauty under the ugliness, and peace after the pain. This process is stripping me...layer by layer, it is stripping me down to nothing but what I truly am. I'm not even sure what that is yet. The thought process of adoption has confronted me with emotions, thoughts, and impossible decisions that I would have not have faced otherwise. I am certain that I am nowhere near the core of my being just yet. My stripping has just begun. We have only been in this process a very short time, but the layers are beginning to come off. It's a vulnerable feeling. Those layers are ugly. They reveal to me (and everyone else) my faults, my failures, my shortcomings, my fears, the hate in my heart toward those I need to forgive, and all the other untruths I've told myself. All of it falls away and I am able to see it. It's painful to see all of that ugliness at my feet. The beauty will come with the new growth that comes from going through this process and this journey...the reconstruction. The peace will come as a result of that reconstruction. When we made the decision to adopt, I never dreamed that it would lead us through all of this, or that it would teach me SO much about myself, who I was before, who I am now, and what I am to become.... and about our Lord's grand plan (no clue what that is, by the way).

 I'll try not to let so much time pass before posting again. I just have not thought that my words, thoughts, and feelings were worthy of sharing since they didn't accompany news, but I will try not to hold back going forward. Until next time....LOVE.