Finding the words....that has been my struggle over the past three months since my last post. It's been three months and I can't begin to tell you how many times I've sat down, opened my computer, and stared at this blank screen trying with everything I have to just get it all out there. There's just SO SO much of it that I don't even know where or how to begin. I know you totally feel me! It's kind of like when your house is a total freakin' wreck and there's junk everywhere with last night's dishes in the sink....and you stand in the middle of all of that mess, do a 360 and look around, and then decide to just go take a nap because it's just too dang overwhelming at that moment.....sort of like that.
I
would start with the facts of where we are in our process, but I don't want to.
I'll get to that later. I'll start with what's weighed heaviest on me and go
from there. My family has never really done anything huge and grand for
Mother's Day, and really, I'm cool with that. I don't need flowers or a fancy breakfast
or a lavish gift. I'm pretty stoked if the dishwasher has been emptied and I
didn't have to be the one to do it! It's the little things. This year, however,
is my first Mother's Day with three children. My first Mother's Day where I
actually thought...I mean really thought...about what it is to be a mother. Our
adoption process has made me see motherhood from a completely different
perspective.
Being
a mother requires sacrifice, but I never truly realized just how much some
mothers sacrifice for their children. Mothers who give birth to babies that
they can't afford to feed and their options are to put them up for adoption or
watch them die. Mothers who give birth to baby girls and are forced by warped
cultural notions to abandon them. Mothers who have babies who have been
murdered at birth because of gender or a special need. Mothers who will live
with that loss and that grief every single day of their lives. Brave mothers
who have left horrendous situations with great risk to their safety just to
protect their children. These are impossible decisions and decisions that must
cut so deep and leave the ugliest scars on the souls of these precious women. I
look around at how we celebrate Mother's Day here in the United States and
other developed countries, and I see beautiful flowers and gifts, meals
prepared by four generations of women all in one kitchen, photos plastered all
over social media of the smiling faces of people all over celebrating their
mothers. It really is such a beautiful thing.
This
year, I just can't help but think of our daughter's birth mother. I wonder if
she grieves for the daughter she lost. I wonder if she thinks of her often. I
wish she knew that her daughter is already loved beyond measure. I wonder if
she could have ever imagined that her baby would end up in the United States. I
wish she knew that we will be forever grateful to her for her ultimate
sacrifice of her child so that she could receive the medical care that she
needed and be given a fair chance at life. I honor her not just on Mother's
Day, but every day. I wish that Elin could know her. I wish she could see her
face and know where those beautiful features of hers came from. It absolutely
breaks my heart to know that that will never ever be a possibility, to know
that Elin will carry those questions with her for her entire life. I wish I
could get those answers for her....more than anything in the world. All I
will have to give her is what little information that I have. I'd love to think
that we will be enough for her, but we won't. We will never be able to replace
that void for her.
We
have so many people say to us that Elin is just so lucky. I know that everyone
means that in such a loving way. She's not lucky, though. She has had more
tragedy and loss and pain in her short little 2 years of life than most of us
can imagine in a lifetime. It pains me so much to say this, but her loss and
pain is not over! There will be more to come and sadly, it will be caused by
us. When we come to bring her home, we will be taking her away from everything
she has ever known...taking her away from the women who have loved her and
cared for her...who have seen her first steps, heard her first words, dried her
tears over and over. I can't imagine how traumatic that will be for her to be
torn from her home and taken by strangers. It will be such a joyous time for us
and for her, but we will also have to watch her grieve for those losses.
Adoption is born of great loss and great tragedy, but there is also
redemption and beauty in it.
Okay,
so now that I've gotten my belated Mother's Day thoughts out there, I have some
pretty fun news....well, actually two doses of fun news!!! First, Elin's
orphanage is in the process of getting the paperwork they need for us to move
forward!!! We have been waiting on that for quite some time, but thankfully
things have panned out so that we didn't lose much time at all as far as our
timeline goes. We are currently waiting on two approvals, and then will be
filed in court. We're hoping to travel sometime in the early Fall!! Obviously,
there are no guarantees on anything, but that's what I'm hoping for anyway. A
girl can dream, right?
And
my BIG BIG BIG news is that we have asked one of our dearest friends, Monica
Cramer, to accompany us to India to document our trip for us....and she said
YES!!!!!! Hot damn, I'm excited!!! Okay, I'll tone it down a bit...but yes, I'm
very excited about this! We had looked into bringing a professional
photographer with us and Rob and Tammy Renner had so graciously said that they
would love to come, but they're amazing photographers and have weddings and
other engagements to attend to and simply cannot break away for 10 days at the
drop of a hat. (By the way, if you need a photographer in the Fairhope, AL area,
they are incredible! All their work is phenomenal, but I think their beach
portraits are to die for!) So, we then turned our attention to our circle
of friends. We talked it over for a very long time. Our main purpose in
bringing an extra person with us was to capture every little second of our
first 10 days with Elin. All of those little firsts....the first hug, kiss,
bath, brushing of teeth....We have already missed so much of her life, so that
time with her will be all the more special. We wanted someone to capture all
the firsts with her....the good, bad, and even the ugly. THAT is what was
important to us. In thirty years, I just want us to look back at those pictures
and for her to be able to see where she came from and her new beginning with
us. We also wanted someone close to us who we are comfortable with and love,
someone who has already been walking this road with us from the beginning.
Someone who can see it through our eyes and know how special this is to us. We
are so thrilled and beyond honored that she has agreed to come with us and
share in this time with us.
Okay, my
friends, thanks for enduring my rambling summarization of three months of
missed posts, but Y'all know I'm a slacker so I't's cool, right? I always say
this, but I promise I won't let so much time pass next time. Here's to hoping
I'll have some exciting news to share sometime soon and I'll be forced to
spread the word!! All the love in the world to you guys and gals!
Thanks for
traveling with us!
LOVE!!!
