Political
correctness...hmmm...not really my thing. I have come a long way in my 31 years
and have actually developed a pretty sufficient filter. It works when I need it
to. My dear friends who have stuck with me all these years can tell you that
I've put my foot (or whole stinking' leg) in my mouth more times than I'd like
to admit. So, what I want to share with you is something that I would have
needed a few years back, and probably even just before I became an adoptive
Mommy. In recent weeks, I've seen countless articles, blog posts, and various
other forms of media on the topic of "What not to say to an adoptive
family" or "What every adoptive family wants you to know." They
just keep popping up, so I feel led to respond and address the issue. For
the record, I think that most of them are all crap. The ones I've read are self
righteous, snotty, and have the general message of..."I'm better than you
and you have NO idea what I'm going through....OR how amazing I am." Like
I said...crap.
I think I have a pretty
thick skin and am not easily offended...like ever...quite possibly because I
have often been the offender a time or two...or most of the time. So, here's
the deal friends...I'm going to take you through some of the questions/comments
that I've fielded that those "other" moms think are sooooo offensive
and give you some alternatives. We all know that it's never what we say that
gets us into trouble. It's the way we say it and the words we choose. I think
that the general public outside of the adoption community simply doesn't know
the "right" words to use when asking these questions. And many
adoptive families are honestly incredibly hypersensitive. From my experience,
most of these "offensive" questions and comments have come from close
family and friends...All people who love us dearly and would never say anything
to hurt us. Please know that if you have asked any of these, I was not offended
in the least and am so honored that you would love me and my family enough to
want to know. Please keep asking! These comments and questions come from a
really good place...a place of love, and really just simple curiosity. And
that, my friends, is OKAY!
So, here we go... in no
particular order...
1. "Why did her real
mother/parents give her up?" or worse.."Why didn't her real parents
want her?"
I have heard this one
quite a bit. Okay, let's start by defining "real parents." What is a
"real" parent? A real parent is the one who holds and rocks her
baby's little body when she's sick; the one who wipes tears, boogers, butts,
and God only knows what else; who tells her she's smart and important, who
encourages her and believes in her when she doesn't believe in herself, who
chases the monsters away at night, who grounds her when she's 15 for being a
sassy, backtalking pain in the rear...and a million other things. That's a
"real" parent. Any yahoo can do the deed and give birth. It's what
comes after all that that makes someone a parent. So, I am her REAL parent. The
end. The second part to this one is that it's simply not my story to tell. That
story belongs to my daughter. It is hers and hers alone. I think that she has a
right to know her own story before the rest of the world does. If she chooses
to share that story, then it's hers to share. Until she can make that decision,
I will hold it like my life depends on it. I will protect it and keep it just
for her. She owns her story. Not me. It's not mine to share. So honestly, this
question is one that is best left alone. If an adoptive mom wants to share
these details with you, she will.
2. "Did you get to
pick one?"
Okay, I admit, I kind of
chuckle a little when I hear this one. Yes, I got to go in and pick the
shiniest, prettiest one with the best "new car" smell! Ummm, no.
That's not at all how this works, folks. :) The Earthly logistics go something
like this...family applies for adoption with an agency...lots and lots and LOTS
of paperwork happen...the agency matches your family with a child that they
feel will best fit with your family. Now, with that said, God chose my daughter
for me. She was always mine and has been from the beginning of time. Just
because I did not physically give birth to her, does not mean that she's any
less mine than the ones that did grow within me. She grew in another woman's
womb, but God made her for us and us for her. She was created to be a Valas as
she was perfectly knitted together in her birthmother's womb. So, yes...someone
"picked one", but it wasn't me. :)
Instead of saying that,
try this: "So I'm very interested. Please tell me how this all works? How
did your child become part of your family?"
3. "Do you have any
children of your own?" or "Are you going to have any of your
own?"
Let's refer back to #1 and
#2. My daughter is "my own" just as much as any of my other kids are
"my own." We all know what you meant and it wasn't malicious,
but instead try wording it like this: "Do you have other/biological
children too?" As for the second question, let's just leave this one
alone. Couples choose adoption for different reasons. Maybe they had fertility
issues and they don't want to tell you about every little detail....because
well...it's none of your dang business. If so, maybe they will continue to grow
their family through adoption. In any case, ALL of our children are our OWN children.
These questions are ones that are usually best left alone unless you are
extremely close to that adoptive mom/family...and in that case, you'd likely
already know those answers and wouldn't need to ask in the first place.
4. "What's wrong
with her?"
Okay, this one does
increase my blood pressure a bit. When people learn that your child is special
needs, the immediate knee-jerk response is..."well, what's wrong with
her?" Alrighty....well there's nothing wrong with her. She's pretty
perfectly awesome if you ask me or any other adoptive mom adopting a special
needs child. Now, I know that people don't mean to be insensitive, and I
absolutely keep that in mind all the time. A better way to ask this would be:
"I bet she's precious! What's her special need?"
5. "She is so
lucky!"
We are blessed to be her
parents for sure. WE are very lucky to have been given such a gift. However,
let's not forget why adoption exists in the first place. Adoption is born of
great tragedy. In a perfect world, she would stay with her birth parents to be
loved and cared for in her own country, immersed in her own culture surrounded
by her family and people who look just like her. Unfortunately, we live in a
horribly broken world where adoption is a last resort...especially
international adoption. So, no. I would not consider her "lucky."
Yes, her life and ours will be blessed immeasurably by adoption. Instead,
try this: "What a blessing she will be to your family!"
6. "How much did she
cost?"
Okay friends, adoption is
freakin' expensive! What you mean to say and should say is this: "I've
heard that adoption is very costly. If you don't mind me asking, what was the
cost for your process?" Personally, I have absolutely zero issue answering
this question. In fact, I like to share that information because I think it's
important for people to know what you're going through financially. If another
family is considering adoption, the cost is a huge factor to consider. If it's
family and friends of an adoptive family, it's important for them to know too
so that they may be able to help with fundraising efforts if they choose.
7. "Why don't you
adopt from the US? Our foster care system has tons of children who need
families." or "International adoption is just a fad that
celebrities started."
Again, people choose
adoption in general for many different reasons. I won't get into my personal
reasons for international vs. domestic because it's just not relevant in this
particular post. What I will say is that it's not anyone's place to make
judgements of adoptive parents and the ways in which they choose to grow their
families. If you genuinely want to know and are asking with a pure and loving
heart, then I think that is perfectly okay. I'm happy to share my reasons with
anyone who asks me. As for the second question here, just don't go there. It
proves you're an ignoramus and that's just not something you want to advertise.
It's not becoming.
One major rule...only ONE!
Never, ever, ever ask any questions or make any comments in front of the child
or any of the family's children. Ever. It's a big no no. Don't do it. Just
don't!
I think I've covered the
high points here, the ones that I've fielded or heard discussed within the
adoption community. So, if you're the family or friends of an adoptive family
and have asked any of these, just consider rewording your questions next time.
And adoptive families, FOR THE LOVE...get your undies out of your rear and your
nose out of the air and understand that these questions aren't meant to offend
you. They usually come from people who love you and care for you. Use these
moments as teaching moments and just talk to your loved ones (or even random
strangers) and gently let them know what's okay and what's not. Now, there may also be instances where you do encounter the intentionally mean, hateful, or insensitive, in which case, you may bring out the claws. I don't have a cure fore stupid...sorry. :)
As for my own family and
friends (and also even random strangers) I'm an open book. If you've found my
blog, even if we've never met, you're on this journey with us too, so welcome
friend! If you want to know, just ask. If you're following our journey, you're
connected to us and our little family in some way....big or small...you're
connected.
Thanks for traveling with
us!
Love, Abby :)